New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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