Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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