I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
