i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
