does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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