remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize