if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
