All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
