She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
