and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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