I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
