My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
