Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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