It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
