I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
