i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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