oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize