dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
