did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
