So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
