my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
