The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
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