my soul wont recognize me after tonight
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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