OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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