Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Randomize
