Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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