Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
