UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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