I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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