After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
