I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
