Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
