apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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