We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
