I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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