Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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