the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize