Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
