We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
