I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
my liver is dry heaving
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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