I can text with my tongue
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
