Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
