2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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