She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
