How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
