gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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