I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
