how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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