Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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