There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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