i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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