I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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