Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
