We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
