guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
