When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
