So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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