somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
