so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
