dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
