We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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